4 comments on “The Kavakian Empire – Part One Chapter 7

  1. I feel like the first part of this chapter could be really interesting from Jori’s perspective, especially the smack down of Bracht. 😛

    I’ve also started to notice how heavy on the dialogue the story is; is that on purpose?

    As far as this being a weak chapter, I think it just needs some refinement and reorganization. The game of Schemster needs a little more space and depth, and might be better served later when everyone and everything is winding down for the night, maybe as something for J.T. to sleep on. But I completely agree the rec room scene was misplaced. I can see J.T. bringing him there on a further tour since they’re trying to keep the guest routine up, but I wouldn’t expect there to be a lot of kids or for it to be a place Jori would want to linger. I get the feeling you’re leading into that one thing that will break Jori’s cool reserve and make him more personable; are animals going to be it?

    • Thanks! I will consider having Jori’s perspective in some of this chapter. Is the dialogue too heavy or is it lacking in descriptive information? I know I need more descriptiveness into the story, but that is something I struggle with so I usually add it after I’ve gotten the action and dialogue down. In regards to the game, I thought that going into it would be too boring for the reader. Ideas of how to spice it up? And yes, the point of that scene was to show how cool Jori can be under pressure and that it takes a lot to break that reserve. Jori’s interest in animals will be important later, but it is not majorly important in this part of the story. I’m thinking the part of him visiting the rec room can be deleted altogether.

  2. I think more descriptiveness (things like actions, reactions, internal thoughts and interactions between the characters and their environment) would help bring it together alot, but I completely understand needing to come back later once the core of it is down.

    For the game, a little detail might be cool – maybe just a couple of sentences besides establishing that it’s an adult game? I feel like the two of them sitting across a game board is a perfect time for them to analyze each other and do a lot of internal processing, but that probably falls under adding descriptiveness so I understand why it was a straight-forward scene.

    • “I feel like the two of them sitting across a game board is a perfect time for them to analyze each other and do a lot of internal processing,” Good point! It might help us get to know the characters a little better, especially J.T.

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