I have finished my free version of “The Kavakian Empire” Part One: First Encounter. This free version is the unedited version and has been cut short so as not to give the story away. The formal version will be for sale when it is finished. These are the improvements I want to make:
J.T.’s Character – I need to flesh out J.T.’s character more. He is a highly competent man, which is another reason the captain made him his second-in-command. J.T. is fair-minded. He can be harsh with his crew members when needed, but he is otherwise patient and fair. At first J.T. is unsure of his new position with Captain Arden, but the two soon find that they are a good match. J.T. also has a bit of a sense of humor. He makes a few humorous comments to Jori. Jori does not have a sense of humor, though.
Chesa – Chesa is important in later parts, so perhaps I should include her more in part one. I don’t want too much, though. I don’t want her to be a distraction to the story.
Captain’s Feeling on Liam – I meant to include this somewhere, but forgot. The captain felt guilty about using Liam to extract information from Jori. He didn’t care much for such tactics because he believed in rights of privacy. But Robert is a man of duty. He was obligated to use Liam, and so he did.
Bigger Secret – Jori seems to be hiding a small secret about the scientists. Perhaps make it bigger and make it more important for the captain to try to find out. This will create more conflict, and not just conflict between the captain and Jori, but conflict with the captain’s conscience.
J.T. and Jori – Does it seem Jori warmed up to J.T. too quickly? I’m thinking of slowing it down a bit. Perhaps I can make Jori a little bit more of a brat, but not too much. Because Jori’s father is so strict, Jori is not the sort of noble that always gets his way. Yes, he has a sense of superiority, but he knows how to take orders.
Who Tipped Off the Admiral? – I didn’t mention who told the admiral about the Kavakian princes. I need to make it clear that the Grapnes told him. Could I have the Grapnes make more trouble in order to intensify the plot?
Descriptions – I purposely did not give much of a physical description for my characters. I know when I read, I like to leave it to my imagination. But other readers may prefer a little bit more to build on. I should just give the basic descriptions and perhaps at least one distinguishing feature. I shouldn’t provide too much detail, just a hint and let the reader fill in the rest.
Antagonists – I have no major antagonist in this part of the story. Calloway, Admiral Zimmer, Bracht, and the Grapnes are all antagonists, but their parts are small. Incidentally, Bracht is not as big of an antagonist as he seems. He is a man of honor and so protects the boys despite his strong feelings against them. I need to point this out more in the story.
Plot – I know my plot is weak. If you have any tips on making it better, please comment.
If you have any other ideas on how this sci-fi story can be improved, please feel free to comment below. I know I am an amateur writer and I can use all the help I can get. Constructive criticism is most welcome.
Fantasy/Sci-Fi Author Dawn Ross 