critique

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Book Three Chapter 13, 2nd Draft

Posted by Dawn Ross on July 22, 2021
Posted in: Sci-Fi Part 3, The Dragon Spawn Chronicles. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Ready for another chapter? Here it is! The second draft of chapter 13 of Dragon’s Fall: Book Three is ready for your critique. I’m looking for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let me know what I did right, let me know what I did wrong, and let me know where I can improve. I want this sci-fi book to be the best in the series! Thank you so much for your feedback. :0)

13
Inadequate

Terkeshi fought for air. His heart thudded as the crook of Tokagei’s cybernetic arm crushed around neck. His lungs screamed for oxygen as a building heat saturated his face.

He groped for the man’s eyes, struck at his arm, and tried every other trick he could think of to get out of the hold, to no avail. Tokagei’s solid grip remained.

A tingling spread to Terk’s limbs. Dizziness swirled into a tunnel of blackness. His heartrate pulsated.

Desperation overtook him and he tapped out. As soon as Tokagei let go, he choked in air. His head and face prickled as freshly oxygenated blood rushed in.

Laughter broke out and echoed throughout the small ship. Terk’s blood ran hot. How dare they laugh at him, the last Dragon Prince, their leader.

“Knock it off,” he said with a roughness in his throat caused by the choking.

The laughter died down, but the smiles didn’t leave the men’s faces.

Terk glowered. “Let’s see all of you fight off someone with a cybernetic arm.”

A couple men dropped their mirth.

Terk pulled back his shoulders. “Again,” he said to Tokagei.

The man smirked but went into a fighting stance. They circled one another in the small open cabin area of the ship. The other senshi hugged the walls and corners or watched from atop equipment.

Terk considered his options. Sensei Jeruko often advised to let his opponent make the first move. Though Terk usually liked to be the first to attack, he waited for Tokagei this time.

Tokagei’s mocking smile broadened. “Come on, boy.”

“That’s my Lord to you, you cock-eyed freak.”

Tokagei shrugged, then shot a double punch. Terk blocked both and counter struck. Before his strike landed, the man’s cybernetic arm blocked him and sent a twinge along the nerve of his forearm.

Terk gritted his teeth and swung again. Tokagei parried and jabbed. Terk deflected and threw more punches.

Neither of them made contact. A new tactic was in order. Terk threw a lower side kick to Tokagei’s knee. The man avoided it with ease, but Terk followed with a punch to his jaw.

As Tokagei’s smile fell, the corner of Terk’s mouth curved up. He held his own better this time, but his forearm where he’d been blocking titanium force itched with increased numbness. When he tightened his fist, a sharpness ran up his arm.

Tokagei put on a wicked grin and attacked. Jab. Jab. Uppercut. More punches and swings. Terk blocked them all. He should have been grateful for the decreased sensation in his forearm, but his muscles weakened.

He growled and let out a slew of counterstrikes. He aimed for the head, kidney, and sternum. The closest he came to hitting anything was a weak punch to the side.

Tokagei laughed, then aimed a side-strike at Terk’s head. His cybernetic arm easily smashed into Terk’s weakened arm and followed through with a strike to the temple.

Terk’s head rang, but he maintained his balance. He aimed a counterstrike, but Tokagei hit him with his metal fist. Terk’s vision rattled, sending him stumbling. Tokagei took advantage and kept at it. Three more blows sent Terk to the floor. Warm blood burst from the side of his eye.

Tokagei stepped back with a laugh. “You need to hit harder.”

“Fuck you.” Terk struggled to stand. He grasped the corner of some nearby equipment and wiped the blood from his temple. “I don’t need a cybernetic arm to win a fight.”

“Haven’t seen you win anything yet,” Tokagei muttered.

Terk fumed. “You’re supposed to be teaching me, chima. Show me how to defeat you. Surely there’s a weakness in that fake armor of yours.”

Tokagei shrugged. “I don’t have any weaknesses anymore. To be frank, my Lord, you’re either gonna need more skill or get some armor of your own.”

Senshi Pachin frowned at the smug cybernetic warrior. “No need for insults. Prince Terkeshi is still a teenager. Give him a chance to hone his skills.”

Tokagei huffed. “Insults build character. If he doesn’t like it, he can just try harder.”

Terk blocked Pachin’s line of sight. Although he appreciated the man’s attempt to defend him, he didn’t need the help. He glared at Tokagei. “The only reason you’re better at fighting than me is because of your cybernetics. But those haven’t made you any smarter. You’re still the same dumbass who tried to pick his nose with a metal finger earlier.”

Tokagei glanced at the laughing onlookers. His larger bottom lip stuck out as he frowned. “I haven’t seen you outsmart anyone, my Lord.” He bowed mockingly. “Your own little brother was smarter than you. He schemed right under your nose, and you had no clue.”

The men snickered, some covering their mouths—as though that hid their asinine behavior. Terk crossed his arms and sulked. He had known all about Jori’s plan. Hell, he’d even helped him. They didn’t know that, though. Look who has no clue now, stupid chima.

“You better watch it, Tokagei,” he replied. “I won’t always be this young.”

“And inexperienced,” someone jeered.

Terk pivoted on his heal and left the cabin in a huff. Quiet laughter lingered behind him, but there was nothing he could do about it right now. Someday, someday soon hopefully, he could kick their asses, and show them once and for all that he wasn’t a Dragon to be messed with.

“Dismissed,” Terkeshi said to the man in the cockpit. He dropped into the pilot’s chair and reviewed the information on the console. Two more hours and they’d be at the space station. Not too long after that, he’d lead these doubting assholes on a successful mission.

It would be nice if he could put his father in a good mood for once, too.

Step Four: Getting Feedback on Your Novel

Posted by Dawn Ross on August 18, 2020
Posted in: Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

You’ve heard the phrase, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” This is why it’s so important to get feedback on your novel. Would you rather get negative feedback before publishing or get it after?

You’d think getting feedback would be easy to do. Maybe it is. But getting the right feedback is not. The biggest issue is reader bias. The next concern has to do with the potential costs. I’ve put together some ideas on how to find beta readers as well as a list of things to be aware of when getting feedback from your beta readers.

Where to Look for Beta Readers

  • Family of friends – This is a good source but beware of the possibility of heavily biased feedback.
  • Social media – Ask people on your social media accounts for help. This is easier if the followers of your social media pages are readers or writers. Some readers and writers may have formed their own private critique groups and may ask if you want to join.
  • Your Community – Check if there are any writing groups in your community. Groups may be organized by like-minded individuals or by organizations such as your public library.
  • Online Writer Platforms – scribophile.com, critiquecircle.com, and other online groups are a great place to find writers and readers. Some have free memberships and some you have to pay for. If they are free, though, you probably need to return the favor for other writers. Of course, reading the work of other writers can help you learn.
  • Alternative Options – I’ve used simbi.com and fiverr.com to find beta readers. The drawbacks of these sites are you have to give something in return. With Simbi, it’s an exchange service. And you must pay those on Fiverr. There’s a risk that the feedback you receive may not be the feedback you need.
  • Developmental Editor – This is probably the most expensive way to get feedback. But if you’re new to writing, it may be the best way. Someone you pay isn’t going to pull any punches. And they will be better able to tell you how to fix your writing.

When Reviewing Beta Readers

  • Look for readers who are interested in your genre and writing style. For me, I need to look for fantasy or sci-fi readers/writers who prefer character-driven stories over action-driven stories. Another writing style to consider is whether your beta reader prefers close-third over omniscient or first-person point of view.
  • Beware of the readers who tell you everything about your novel is great. Someone with such vague feedback might be afraid of hurting your feelings.
  • Not all the feedback you receive will be good advice. People have their own preferences. For example, some might prefer more detail while others prefer less. A way to distinguish between preferences and applicable advice is to get multiple readers. If multiple readers are saying the same thing, they are probably right.
  • If you receive feedback you think is questionable, do your research. For example, if they say you’re using too many adverbs, check online to see why using too many adverbs in your writing might weaken your story. Or if they say you need to use close third-person point of view, research the different types of point-of-views used in writing. Look for the pros and cons of each and decide what’s best for your writing and as well as what your audience prefers.
  • Don’t take negative feedback personally. If they rip you a new one without also giving you the reasons behind their opinions, then they’re too immature to be worth your time. If the feedback seems riddled with an overwhelming number of things you need to fix, remember that feedback is an opportunity to learn and to make your story the best it can be. You’re not a failure unless you give up.
  • Negative feedback should be explained. If someone says something about your writing isn’t right, they should be able to tell you why. This gives you the opportunity to research and to decide for yourself whether it needs to be changed.

Finding the right beta reads to give me feedback on my novel has been a trial and error process. Some were too lavish with praise and others were too critical. Many gave sound advice, but personal preferences occasionally seeped in. One of the hardest things, though, was finding people who have the time to give me feedback. Providing a detailed review of someone’s writing is hard work. So if you get someone willing to do this for you, be sure to thank them profusely, don’t take advantage of their hospitality, and offer them something in return (such as an exchange review, their book cover design, marketing for them, or any other service that you have skill in).

How do you find good beta readers? Do you have any other advice to offer when it comes to getting or giving feedback on a novel? I’d love to hear from you.

Do You Really Have to Kill Your Darlings?

Posted by Dawn Ross on April 8, 2017
Posted in: Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Stephen King Kill Your Darlings

First of all, what are darlings? To writers, the term is used when referencing a piece of the story or a character that the author loves but really has little to do with the story itself. The advice you’ll hear from many writing experts is that you need to kill them, murder them, or to put it simply, get rid of them. Take them out of your story.

Eliminate or Change?

The problem I’ve encountered more than once is the assumption that they always have to be killed or gotten rid of. This is not always true. After all, if you as the writer love some element of your work, why should you get rid of it? For example, you really love a certain character but he or she doesn’t really add value to the story. How about changing your story or your character a bit so that they do add value to the story?

Moana’s Hei Hei Changed

I read that when Hei Hei the rooster was originally written in the story of Moana, he was a cranky and proud rooster (http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Heihei). But his part in the story really had no purpose other than to be annoying. So the writers had to rewrite him or he’d be cut. Hei Hei is a much different rooster now. He’s also a more important element to the story—he’s a source of comical trouble. Perhaps the character in your story won’t need such a dramatic change in character. Maybe he or she just needs a more dramatic part. And if, after trial and error, you just can’t make this character fit into the story, then you can reconsider eliminating them (or save them for another story). The same can be said for certain scenes or other parts that aren’t contributing to the story.

Don’t Force It

You might be told that you shouldn’t try to force it. This could very well be true. So ask yourself why you want to keep this darling in your story. Is it because you worked so hard on it and it seems like a waste to get rid of it? Sorry. This probably isn’t a good enough reason to keep it. Is it because you really like it? If it doesn’t fit in your story, save it for another story. Or is it because you think it’s an important part of the story? If you think it’s important but your professional critiquers doesn’t, try to figure out why. Then consider changing things so they see the importance too.

Listen

As a writer, we need to be willing to listen to the advice of a professional writer. We need to be willing to make changes to our stories in order to make them better. If you really want your story to shine, if you really want people to love your story as much as you do, you need to listen to and learn from your betters.

You are the Writer

Ultimately, though, it’s your story. Don’t let a strong critique force you into doing something you don’t want to do. Don’t be pressured or let your critiquer make you feel stupid when you say you don’t want to change this or that and the critiquer responds, “Ugh. This is why I hate little darlings.”

Consider All Your Options

There is nothing wrong with keeping something or some character you love in your story. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the story to end a certain way because you plan on writing a sequel. If the person or persons critiquing your story think a certain element or a certain character is useless and should be gotten rid of, consider their advice seriously. But consider all your options. There’s more than one way to do something.

Get Multiple Critiques

It also helps to get the advice of more than one professional writer. This way if everyone is saying the same thing, you know the critique is valid and not just an opinion. Critiques are invaluable in that they can help you become a better writer. But the line between critique and opinion can sometimes be blurred.

What are your feelings or opinions on “darlings”?

Finding Core Story Problems with a Content / Development Editor

Posted by Dawn Ross on March 18, 2017
Posted in: Sci-Fi Part 1 - Revised 3, The Dragon Spawn Chronicles, Writing. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Have you ever heard the saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know”? It is very difficult to critique your own writing skill. My beta readers helped but the feedback they provided just touched the surface of what was wrong with my story. So I hired a professional content / development editor, one that looks at the overall story development. And let me tell you, Kristen Lamb’s feedback was phenomenal.

I knew my story wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t know why. I hoped it was good enough, but knew deep down that it wasn’t. When she discussed her findings with me, it was like a lightbulb came on and I was struck by lightning at the same time.

Lightning Bulb

The lightning strike was because nothing pains the heart more than hearing the story you’ve poured your soul into still needs more work. The lightbulb was because she also provided feedback that encouraged me to move forward. My writing is great. My story is on the right track. And the story problems can be fixed. Here is what she said:

Luke Skywalker Fights His Father

Your Primary Protagonist Has to Face a Hard Choice

You can’t just throw trouble at your character and always have him make easy choices to get out of trouble. You have to really push them to the edge in the final act. You have to force them to do something that goes against their nature. And you have to make the choice a sacrifice no matter which they choose. Think about how Luke in “Star Wars” is forced to kill his own father. His hard choice—sacrifice the galaxy to save his father or sacrifice his father to save the galaxy.

Labyrinth Ludo Sarah Sir Didymus

Your Primary Protagonist Has to Grow

Your character starts out one way at the beginning of the story and learns something so profound from his journey that he changes into someone else. I don’t mean literally, though it could be literal, like in “The Fly”. And I don’t mean their whole persona. I mean something about his or her character changes. Think about Sarah in “The Labyrinth”. She began with the romanticized view that she was a Cinderella-like person forced by a wicked stepmother to care for a spoiled sibling. Then she faced a real adventure and learned to appreciate her life and her brother.

Choose One Protagonist to Focus On

Although you can have multiple protagonists, only one will face the hard choice and truly transform and grow in the end. Consider “Star Wars” again. There are many great protagonists in the story. And they all have grown in their own way. Han Solo isn’t such a scoundrel after all. Neither is Lando. Leia and Han fall in love. But the primary protagonist is Luke. He’s the one who grew the most—from the whiny kid in the beginning to a Jedi master at the end. He’s also the only one who truly faced the heart of the Empire. And he’s the one who sacrificed the most when he made his choice.

You Have to Have One Strong Antagonist

When you just throw trouble after trouble at your character like I did, it’s more difficult for your character to face a hard choice at the end. And as you will see in the next heading, it’s more difficult for them to fight a final battle.

The Departed

Your Primary Protagonist Has to Face the Primary Antagonist in the End

I wanted to add “and Win” because I like my heroes to win. But they don’t have to win in order to make a powerful story. The movie, “The Departed” comes to mind. Although Billy Costigan killed Colin Sullivan in the end, Billy was also killed. Anyway, without one primary protagonist and one primary antagonist, you can’t have the hard choice with the big battle at the end. You simply have a journey from one place to another with no ultimate purpose to keep your reader interested.

What This Means for “StarFire Dragons”

To keep this post from getting too long, I will post my musings on this next Saturday.

Conclusion

As writers, we can either let critiques bring us down and keep us from writing, or we can accept them as learning experiences and work on improving our skill. Because the feedback I received from Kristen Lamb was so spot on and made so much sense (and wasn’t at all contradictory like it was with the beta readers), I’ve chosen the later route. I strongly encourage you all to get your own stories reviewed by a content / development editor. They’re well worth the money. You can’t become a great writer if you don’t learn what you don’t know.